| look at this hatemail i’ve recieved.. ! |
[Sep. 7th, 2007|12:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
From: Melissa
Date: Jan 17, 2007 8:23 PM
Hey, bitter fat guy, no one asked for your opinion on my myspace. Last I checked i was just minding my own business, mabe you should try doing the same. By the way, I highly doubt you've ever dated a "broad", you don't look like the type that gets much play. Instead of sitting in your mom's basement beating your thing to random myspace accounts, you should try finding some optimism and a life. Much luv to ya, freak.
==
this broad just sent me this for no reason at all.
i never know why people hate me so muck
all i d ois try and spread love and psitivity
sigh :( |
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| 2007 lovelife review |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|09:09 pm] |
so i though t that 2007 would be different than the last year, where so many things went wrong.. first, there was a film crew making a mmovie about me and my life, and they just suddenly abandoned me, and wouldn't return my calls..
the lovelife was a joke.. only dated a few gals, and each one turned out to be hateful, cruel , and insane..
first, there was a girl named Jennifer.. she was underage, and yeah.. didn't matter to me.. she was somewhat attractive, and had friends who really loved my work. i figured i'd date this broad, and use her for sex and connections.. i had been watning to start a new movement in Dallas, so i thought using her high school friends to spread the word would be wise.. so i dated her, and soon, it was apparent that i wanted nothing to do with this girl.. she would always reek because her house was a dump.. her mother wore depends, and would never clean.. in fact, her family would have to wipe the mothers ass because she had some sort of bowel problem.. Jennifer had floppy tits, and was underaged.. she'd ALWAYS coem on to me, wanting me to fuck her, but i always made up some excuse.. because.. she was UNDERAGED, and i wasn't sure if she was crazy or not, or would turn me into the police if she "thought" i had screwed her over.. so yeah, plenty of times she whipped off her shirt and showed her floppy tits (that look much better stuffed into a shirt than bare) and wanted to fuck me, but i turned her down.. giving excuses like "i have a headache" or "i'm too tired".. she hated bands i liked, and one night, we were at starbucks, and she said that i walk in a feminine way, and i took it as an insult.. started getting mad, she walked away, i tried to follow her, she kept walking, so i sped off.. got a call later that night, and yeah, it was over..
then my fucking car died, and i couldn't afford to fix it for a month.. it was the WORST fucking experience of my life.. not having ANY freedom to go anywhere yourself, having to rely on othe rpeople to take you places.. i breifly started hanging out with this obese girl who had a crush on me, and i knew it.. i had made excuses NOT to hang out with her in the past, bu tthis tims, i had no car.. and SHE had a car, and was willing to drive all the way to where i lived, so i used her to go to the store and stock up on smokes and things i needed.. did a nice job of makign her think i liked her for her, but i really didn't.. but you have to take what comes..
the next broad was a fetish model who met me from a slave/master dating site (don't ask).. she seemed to really dig my profile, and wanted to hang out.. she lived pretty far, so i couldn't do it.. but, one week, she told me sh ereally needed a place to stay! so i offered my pad, and she said YES! she came over, and it was magic.. perfect body, great personality, slave mentality.. everything i had ever wanted.. but the next day, she started talking about her "master" who was some fucking faggot overthehill, obese "fetish photographer" around Dallas, and noticed she was still wearing his collar.. after telling me online how she wanted to leave him, and i was a much more interesting prospect.. there was a point where, after being at my place for a few days, that she told me that he was moving to CA to pursue a failed modeling project, and that she was wondering what to do.. she mentioned that she had a dream where i had kissed her.. which was surely an "opening".. a little thing begging me to kiss her.. but.. in my mind, she was STILL WEARING HIS COLLAR, which in the BDSM scene, you don't touch a slave without permission from the master.. so i did nothing.. so the next day, there was a little tension as she took over my internet, did nothing but post on the guys forums, adn tell me how talented "Jami Deadly" is.. so i was burnt. the master didn't supply her with ANY money for the whole week, so i had to pay for everything.. i had lost my job a few nights before, so i was totally strapped.. i spent too much, and basically, this is when my credit problems started to occur.. i overcharged my debt card because of this girl, because i was expecting her to have $$ to feed herself.. it was a nightmare. had to borrow food from my parents (12 pack of mac and cheese kept us alive).. she helped me with a few songs i was working on, and wanted to be a part of my movement, but i was pissed off.. you don't tell someone you want them to kiss you while wearing the collar of a master..
the next broad was a girl named Christy.. somewhat chubby, sort of looked like one of those creatures from "Dark Crystal".. that month was pretty dry, but she had a job, a car, and wasn't too obese.. so she drove to my place once, and we got along okay i guess.. i was lonely, so i asked to hang out again, just so i could say i had plans that night.. we kissed eventually, and my credit was taking a nosedive at this point.. wasn't making ANY money at all, and had to overcharge my debt card just to stay alive.. i told Christy this, and she took pity on me, would buy me dinners, give me money for borrowing dvds.. and this was really nice.. BUT, she had flaws (other than her face).. whenever i'd talk about my favorite artists, SHE'D sit and interject shit about Wilco and Remy Zero, OVER AND OVER.. wouldn't let me fucking talk.. this really pissed me off.. it's like, shut the fuck up, and just experience bands you've never heard of.. no one gives a fuck about WILCO.. they fucking suck.. no one CARES about Remy Zero.. and she had the NERVE to sit and argue that the Clash "started punk rock" for a fucking hour.. yeeah, the girl was braindead.. and when i was excited to go buy Prince's "3121" album at Tower Records (yeah, i still HATE the fucker.. but you know.. once a fan, always a fan i guess) the fucking slut bought a Remy Zero single, and asked to put it in "instead of Prince".. the fucking cow.. that was the end of that shit..
started dating a girl from the past named Dillis, and things were nice. we had plans to take over the world, she was using a millionaire to get money, we were living large, and having fun.. until the bitch got selfish, wrecked the car he bought her,
then, my credit sunk.. i was in debt for over $5000, and had no income at all.. to top it off, my house was taken away because i couldn't afford it because the debt and all fo that, so i had to move into a hotel.. my parents said they'd help me get a new place, and i'd find a job.. they paid for my hotel for a few months, giving me small jobs so i didn't feel totally worthless..
a week or two went by, miserable.. started hanging out with Dillis again, and it was nice.. met up with a guy i had met with Dillis (the same night she confessed how much she wanted to date me) who wanted to be a part of the Rainway movememt, and we became fast friends.. chased Dillis around (she was backing out, not wanting to ruin the friendship, and i was upset because she wanted nothing to do with the art group anymore).. finally, i got sick of chasing her around, and threw her out of my car, and yelled "find someother dipshit to string around".. and that was that..
weeks went by, lonly.. misery.. yeah.. no girls anywhere..
at the hotel i was staying at, there was free cable internet in teh lobby.. four computer stations.. you had a halfhour time limit, and if someone else came in to use the computers, you'd have to leave after 30 minutes.. well, i used the internet to my advantage, and suddenly, the lovelife was in gear!
met this girl named Linda who had wealthy parents, didn't work, didn't pay for anything.. looked just like the girl from Ladytron.. she dug my work, and wanted me to move in, and help me with everything.. at the same time, met another girl named Sharon, who wanted to move into the suite, and pay for everything.. then, i met ANOTHER girl named Brenda, who's mother was marrying a rich socialite.. and was confused as to who i should start dating.. i broke it down, and the person i actually had emotions for was Brenda.. everything i had every wanted, right there.. i coul dhave cared less about being taken care of.. if i were wealthy myself, i still would have chose Brenda.. she was the greatest.. gave me food, lent me a pot to cook that food, endlessly supportive..
so i moved out of the hotel, and in with Brenda..
what will happen? only time shall tell, my friend
only time shall tell
i don't wanna write n-e-more |
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| i think i've had it |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | infuriated | ] |
what is the point of life?
waht is the purpose of this world?
when there's no love..
there's only hatred,
and bitterness,
and lies..
so waht if my stomach is large?
does that take away the love i have in my heart?
does that mean that i'm a bad person?
does that detracist from my personalirty?
i think i've had it with this world
there's no reason to live w/o A girl
the ppl loved my site, and now that i'm on myspace
no one seem sto care
no one cares
no comments
no emails
silence
heartbeat
sweetheart
tears
heartbeat
sweetheart
tears
so this is what it's like to be dead?
check out my myspace to hear music and get up to date info about this fucking pathetic sham i call a "life"
http://www.myspace.com/wilsonrainway |
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| update on my life = things are pretty bad |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|06:08 pm] |
last year wasnt the best. in fact, it wasnt good at all. my lovelife was a disaster.. let's go through all the women i dated in 2005, one by one.
Amie - she was obese, but liked me, so i went for it. lasted a few weeks until she decided to leave me for someone else. of all the nerve.. i decide to cave in, go out with her to be nice, and she fucks me over?! a fat girl?! breaking up with me?! she was LUCKY to have me in the first place! yeah, i got really depresed after that 1
Joanna - slut, i hate her. i dont want to talk about her
Cherrie - i kinda liked her, but she had an odd shaped face, was a horse groomer, and whenever she'd come over after work, she reeked of horse. licking her face was vile, snioce horses always kicked her face. and she blacked out whenever we'd make out. which had it's advantages, but it didnt work out in teh end
Jill - thought she was great, until she dropped the "i have hiv" bomb on me.. i was desperate at the time, and have slept with girls who had herpes before.. she was a sweet girl, liked me, supported my work (not really) so after her constant badgering, i finally caved in, and had sex with her, risking my health in the process.. a few days later, i spotted some things around my penis area, and went to her apt to ask if she knew what it could be. then she got all weird, and said we shouldnt hang out anymore, threw me out of her apt, and i haven't heard from her since. i couldn't believe it. she spent so much time and effort getting me to bang her, and when i do.. poof, she's gone. i think i'm clean because those things went away.
Mari - after Jill, i met Mari.. things were wonderful.. she was hot, loved my work, thought i was great.. even won a battle over her.. my rival Harris Wendell was after her too.. but i told Mari that Harris was a faggot, and she believed me. so Mari & i had a nice romance, nonsexual.. until.. she found out that SHE has fucking HIV as well! i was stunned.. two girls in a row?! what the fuck is going on?! so i made up an excuse that im nto nready for a relationship ,adn she bought it. but still kept after me.. and i did her, but regret it. shes mopey suicidal, and i hopoe she kills herself.
this is too painful to write. maybe i will later |
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| prince, that son of a bitch.. |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|05:36 pm] |
as a few of you know, back in 2000, i had one of the worst experiences EVER.. it occured at Paisley Park during a weeklong music festival thrown by Prince..
each night of the festival, there were theme parties thrown that were based on a specefic Prince album.. for example, Monday was "Purple Rain" night, where people would dress as the characters from the movie, and Prince would then perform songs from it.. then the next day would be "Dirty Mind" night.. and then "Batman" night..
so on "Lovesexy" night, i decided to dress up as Prince from the album cover, and was harrassed, mocked, sexually assulted, insulted, raped of my pride, and was eventually banned from Paisley Park and thrown in jail.. i really don't want to get into it again, as it's brought me nothing but shame and disgrace over the years. but, you can read all about it here, if you must;
Wilson Rainway To File Lawsuit Against Paisley Park !
I'm Suing Paisley Park! thread from alt.music.prince
I'm Suing Paisley Park! thread from alt.music.ween
the situation garnered mainstream press from all over the world, and generated thousands of emails.. most of them negative.. it was the moist humiliating experience of my life.. people would scream things at me on the street (which they did before, but it wasn't as bad) prank phone calls.. i dropped the suit, but the memory haunts me.
but, instead of suing Prince, i placed a curse on him, that all of his albums would FAIL, and that he would become a washed up superstar.. and it WORKED!! "High" was aborted, "Rainbow Children" was a disaster, "One Nite Alone" was a joke, "NEWS" was a failure.. Prince must have realized this, because his last album "Musicology" was a failure as well, only selling about 239,239 copies.. BUT, it went double platinum ONLY BECAUSE it was given away with a concert ticket.. AS SOON AS THE TOUR WAS OVER, the album PLUNGED off the charts. my CURSE WORKED!! this was the only thing that made me forget about the events of 2000..
so imagine the horror and disgust i felt this morning, when i picked up my newspaper, and read the following article;
====
Prince's First Universal Release, 3121, Debuts at Number 1;
Album Scores First Number 1 Debut of Acclaimed Artist's Career
(PR WIRE) NEW YORK—(BUSINESS WIRE)
For Immediate Release
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Notching the highest debut of his storied career, Prince garnered the Top Spot on The Billboard 200 Album chart with his acclaimed Universal Records debut album, 3121, selling 183,436 units in its first week of release.
The stunning debut is Prince's first number 1 album since 1989's Batman soundtrack, and his first top-charting studio album since 1985's Around The World In A Day. Hailed by fans and critics as a return to "vintage" Prince, the disc has drawn unanimous media raves, including praise from Rolling Stone magazine - "Reassert(s) Prince's funk bona fides..." - and People magazine - "Even better than its double platinum-predecessor" - cementing Prince's return to the pop stratosphere which he began with 2004's double-platinum offering, the Grammy nominated Musicology.
Prince has also treated fans to a rare coupling of promotions celebrating the new album, including an intimate surprise midnight show for fans on the eve of the release of 3121 at L.A.'s Tower Records on Sunset Strip. The innovative Prince has also included a limited number of Purple tickets in 3121 CD packages, granting lucky fans access to a private performance at his L.A. home later this spring. Listeners who purchased the new "Black Sweat" single via Apple's iTunes Music Store were also eligible to win entrance to the upcoming private show.
Prince's momentum has been buoyed by the sizzling single "Black Sweat," the top debuting single on the Billboard Hot 100 three weeks ago, boosted by a sultry, minimalist video helmed by groundbreaking Moroccan director Sanaa Hamri (Mariah Carey, Lenny Kravitz, Seal).
Prince's previous single and video from the new disc, the ballad "Te Amo Corazon," were also greeted with wide acclaim, simultaneously premiering across all of VH1's platforms, and directed by award winning actress Selma Hayek. Prince previewed another 3121 gem, the guitar-edged "Fury," on NBC's Saturday Night Live on February 4th, the first time the star had appeared on the long running show in 25 years, scoring the highest ratings for SNL in more than two years.
The 12 song disc is also being hailed for its peerless blend of Prince styles, including the catchy funk of "Lolita," the R&B-tinged "Incense And Candles," and a steamy duet with Prince protege Tamar on Beautiful, Loved & Blessed," among others.
Prince's ascension to the top of the pop world has been both meteoric and enduring, inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2004, his most recent release, Musicology, debuted at number 3 on the Top 200 album charts, capping a three-decade reign in which Prince is generally regarded as one of the most acclaimed and influential musical artists of the 20th century.
The Minnesota native's career literally exploded in 1984 with the dual phenomenon of Purple Rain (the movie broke box office records, the Grammy nominated album sole more than 11 million copies an spent 24 weeks at number 1) making Prince one of the few triple threats in history to simultaneously land the number1 single, album, and movie. A series of genre defying albums - from 1985's Around The World In A Day, to 1987's prophetic A Sign of the Times, to 1991's Diamond And Pearls indelibly sealed his reputation as a groundbreaking songwriter and consummate musical performer.
With more than 100 million records sold, Prince launched his web-centric NPG Music Club in the early '90s, pioneering direct sales and value-added content that would become the artist-driven online entrepreneurial model artists and internet gurus would be flocking to by the end of the decade. More groundbreaking albums followed, with Prince himself stewarding their marketing and promotion, with major imprints such as EMI, Arista and Columbia forming temporary but fruitful relationships with the visionary artist.
Prince also launched one of the most successful tours in music history in 2004 (Pollstar Magazine crowned him top concert draw for the year), as well as winning a NAACP Image Award, and being honored by Rolling Stone magazine in a special issue which named Prince number 5 on the Top Pop Artists of the Past 25 Years.
 </a>
==
i'm still in shock, and really don't know waht to say..
YOU THINK YOUVE WON THE BATTLE PRINCE, BUT YOU HAVENT WON THE WAR!
I KNOW THA TTHE ONLY REASON IT CHARTED SO HIGH WAS BECAUSE OF THE PURPLE TICKETS..BE FORWARNED, THE ALBUM WILL PLUMMET NEXT WEEK WHEN ALL THE PRINCE FAGS SNAP UP ALL OF THEIR COPIES, AND GIVE UP.. ENJOY YOUR WEEK PRICK.. ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE.
TRUST ME, I HAVEN;'T FORGOTTEN! |
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| What exactly is it that marks me with the BULLSEYE?! |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|05:11 am] |
People at work are really cruising toward me killing them all. I'm tired of being bitch at for fucking bull shit reason's. I do both wait person's Job and Cook fuckers. I forget shit OK! I'm tired of them all coming in late, when ever their ass feels like getting around to it. Yet, if I'm late, forget to whipe down a table, counter. I get to hear about it from every single one of them. FUCK YOU ALL!!
BE HAPPY I ONLY HAVE SWORD AT HOME CAUSE I"M CLOSE TO GOING FUCKING POSTAL IF THE BULLSEYE ISN'T REMOVED FROM ME PRETTY GODDAMN QUICKLY.
I'm just so sick and tired of being the one to get nit picked. |
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Feelings of mixed emotion |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|10:11 am] |
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I am in a state of mixed emotions. I feel angry, sad, depressed, full of rage, distant, etc. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone at work is out to get me fired. The people I like seem to be scared off by the idea of me liking them. I have no real friends here anymore. I used to really feel happy. Now I feel like I have to pretend because inside I feel like a beast is clawing to get out. I hear it scream in it's cage. "LET ME OUT! I"LL MAKE THEM ALL PAY! KILL EM ALL LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!" |
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| Unfinished poem |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|09:10 pm] |
I wandered inside myself today./ I smetimes do that from time to time./ I looked around and all that I knew had changed./It's dark in there now./I looked for my inner child./ I found him huddled in a corner./He was crying and suddenly I felt cold./ As I sat beside him he said, "Rage, anger, hate./Why do you let it consume you again?"
I suddenly looked to see myself./Big, strong, red faced./the eyes filled with a deep rage./Blood coming from the eyes./The face twisted in a evil snear./I shuddered with a sinking fear./The demon was free./
"Demon?" He panted/"You have been with the inner child so long you have forgotten my sweet embrace."/Inner child looked to me with tears./"you'll drive them away letting him roa free."/"Let the run and hide." Rage screamed./"hurt you. Hurt me. They will pay. I will taste of their blood."/
Rage stood nearer with a blood covered sword./"NO!" I cried in a horse voice./I ran from myself./Then as I lay in the wake state./ I saw what rage had done./As I lay weeping./Inner child whispered, " lock him up until your stronger."/ |
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| :( |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|09:09 pm] |
I've been so angry with everything and feeling out of touch. I added people who were just plain assholes. Deleted them. They added to my anger.
I've lost hope in people. I finally admtted to having a crush on some people I talk to and thy totally went weird on me. One girl, she just went from a friend to this snoody little snob. It made me so angry I just wanted to smack her.
The other people just just, kinda stopped talking. Great advice. tell people how you feel. Then they can get inside a Mac truck and run you over and leave you broken thinking, what the hell did I like about them in the first place? |
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| i can't believe.. |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|06:09 pm] |
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I sometimes look at myself and think. What's wrong with you? I seem to attract these assholes. Then when I think I've met someone nice. I end up getting stomped on yet again. Maybe I'm addicted to pain. I hate this. I think I may go and edit my friends list. their are some people on it who really don'tgive two shits about me. They see me as a number or a pitty case. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|11:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Orange Juice Jones - The Rain | ] |
last month, i gave a performance at the Arcadia Karaoke Bar in Denton, TX.. and it went alright. it was the first time i'd been on stage in AGES! so it was kind of like a comeback special. my friends came to see me, and it was really fun. we recorded it too, and it's going to be released on Antisocial Records very soon. my first live album! the show went okay, but there were some people there who kept making fun of me, and one person threw a beer bottle on stage and came close to hitting me in the face, but Bucky didn't let that happen. here are the songs i sang which will appear on the live album
( Read more... ) |
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| sunshine of clover |
[May. 6th, 2004|02:23 pm] |
ok, so i haven't posted in ages, and my sites have been neglected. there are dozens of posts on my message board that i have yet to respond to..
anyway, i hope everyone on my friends list is well. im going to try and leave alot more comments, but it's been hectic.. i've been recording a new album with the Rainway Players caleld "Man Of The Year" which should be availiable on Anti-Social Records sometime in the summer.. i'll post ordering information later on..
a quick update, i have a new girl, but i dont think she likes me as much as she should. she doesnt clean or make supper but she has a nice face, and loves watchign tv. she likes my work and tells me that i need to do more of it, which i will at a later date.
and i think a link to my site has been posted somewhere, because im getting an awful lot of emails regarding the incident at Paisley Park a few years ago.. some people just want to keep me down, make fun of me. theres alot of hate out there, and i'll be damned if ima gonna let it stop me! im going to go to a hypnotist and reexamine that fateful night at paisley park which keeps haunting me like the plague. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2004|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HeeBeeGeeBees - Purple Pants | ] |
i've had this strange feeling lately that i'm not who i think i am, i'm not who i tell people i am, i'm not who people think i am.. like i'm some sort of fraud.. and what sucks is that alot of cool people have been nice to me lately, and.. i don't know.. i just hope they're not pissed off at me when they find out who i really am.
anyway, ive been lousy.. was dating a great girl, but had to end it because it wasnt working out. so ive been meeting new people, whatever.. new girls are great, but they arent the same. no one can kiss me like she did.. even though she had herpes, and couldn't kiss me for days on end when the blisters were present.. but still..
and i've been listening to alot of Prince lately.. even his last album "The Rainbow Children".. you know, the one with a song that actually has a lyric that goes"you are what you eat, so we must eat a leaf!"
It's time to face facts. Prince is old. He is uninspired, hangs with non-musicians and is lazy. He's lost nearly all of his musicianship over the years. Not only does his music no longer sell (at all), but it's no longer good. It's not like we're talking about an underground artist who makes great music but has no promotion. We're talking about a washed up artist who makes bad music and doesn't have any video or radio support. So of course he's going to be "inspired" by Mr. Larry Graham teaching the word of Jehovah's Witnesses. JW, like all religions, is for weak minded people. Prince needs to believe he's worthy, that his actions are "correct" and that life is not "empty." |
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| the good the bad and the ugly |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Clay Aiken - This Is The Night (Bonus Cut) | ] |
well, my computer was repossessed from Best Buy because i havent paid any payments for it. things have been rough around here, and my job at Taco Bell isnt helping much, but at least i'm eating.
today i saw the funniest thing. i went to the mall... i hate going to malls because i always feel so uncomfortable, and i notice all the sweet ass that i'll likely never have, plus these girls with their lame guys, really puts me in a bad mood. anyway, i went to pick up floigan bros for the Dreamcast... came out, and while walking to my car heard a guy and girl arguing, their infant daughter in the backseat. all of a sudden he wails her in the face. she's like "what so i'm a slut?" and he says "i'm tired of this!" another hit to the face, and then again. i just shake my head. then some black guy comes in, knocks on the car door and tells the white dude to stop hitting his woman, because that's "so old." I stand to the side of the black guy and we are like surrounding the car. all of a sudden the girl says to the black guy and me "just leave me the fuck alone!" and she and her man drive off, their daughter screaming/crying in the back seat.
it was completely sad, i felt bad but also had this rush in my veins, like yeah, smack that woman in the face, she deserves it, made so by the fact she did nothing about it and drove off after we tried to help. plus, the guy that hit her probably got laid tonight by her... amazing world, huh? i'm sitting here with taco bell, a pepsi, playing floigan bros, and dude that wails his woman in the face gets some action. anyway, i truly doubt the existence of God... and if there is no God, what's the point of this life? u'll lose all your loved ones, make tons of enemies, and lose your life one day yourself.
just rebel, i guess |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2003|06:06 pm] |
OMG THEY GOT SADAMN!!
HIP HIP.. HOORAY!! |
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| HAPPY THANKSGIVIGN! |
[Nov. 27th, 2003|01:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Tell me, Mr. Turkey,
Don't you feel afraid
When you hear us talking
'Bout the plans we've made?
Can't you hear us telling
How we're going to eat
Cranberries and stuffing
With our turkey meat?
This is the feast-time of the year,
When plenty pours her wine of cheer,
And even humble boards may spare
To poorer poor a kindly share.
While bursting barns and grannies know
A richer, fuller overflow.
And they who dwell in golden ease
Blest without toil, yet toil to please.
Turkey, heed my warning:
Better fly away;
Or you will be sorry
On Thanksgiving day
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaHa !
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2003|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Prince - Xcogitate | ] |
I work hard, put up with so much BS, the place is disorganized, run by clueless stupidvisors... still, i can't pay most of my bills or have any kind of real life. But at least I can come home to a great woman, have a nice meal, make the love, and chill. WRONG!
Nobody's home... No woman here... they're off getting beat by their "great boyfriends." So I stop at Taco Bell... come home, hop online, and think damn, life sucks. Because it does... my blood pressure is up and any moment I feel I could just jump on someone and kick the hell outta them.
As I look at all these bills, think back at all the stuff i've experienced and gone thru, subjected to at an early age, that depression runs in my family, I think, "did I really EVER have a chance?" Does anyone? We're thrown into this mess, not asking to be born, and basically forced upon a set of guidelines... genetics rules all... look at the world, the ONLY reason things get done, people are your friends, etc, is because you have "manifestations of power."
People want something from you... they want to feel a certain way, do certain things... they want to be used and they want to use you.
Some people handle things easier, because of the family life they're born into, the way they look, what they have... basically manifestations of power. Many of us don't measure up in so many ways, looks, height, money... hell, i'm getting old and still have acne. it's hereditary. i'm short... people think they can walk all over me, until I pull out the gun in my car and they run for the hills.
I've had a few what you would call "hot girls"... not nearly as many as most... but i've experienced it... but to tell you the truth the women go for taller, more handsome, etc men... why? well they're biased and want manifestations of power. Someone to protect them. Someone in a high social order, a high ranking class.
Why do we work 40 hours a week? Buy nice clothes, comb our hair? Worry if we're losing hair or getting too fat? Cuz you wanna attract the highest quality d*ck and p*ssy you can. That's why. You wanna put on "Slow Love" while getting it on with the leanest, tighest, most tender p*ssy you can. No one wants to look at their partner and see some ugly b*tch there. No one does.
Walking in the mall is terrible. I start to get really tense, not knowing where to look. Damn, all I wanted to do was buy Flogian Bros for Dreamcast. 20 bucks. So I scrape together 20 bucks and go to the mall. What do I see? Tons of hot girls, all dressed up ready to impress their boyfriends, holding hands so gently... "oh, I love you!" Yeah, right. They ain't in love. The guy just wants a piece of ass. Just ask our resident thief/pimp wannabe, T.
But I will say this... most people live on an entirely different plane than I do... just listening to our local radio stations is enough to make me wanna kick someone in the mouth. They play the same ten songs over and over and over. How many times can you listen to the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync (Dirty Pop), or Uncle Cracker... that's why I can't go into record stores. I feel like Viacom is watching over my shoulder, and if I don't buy what is "cool" then i'll be further outcasted, this time to another galaxy far beyond our own.
I seriously don't know why I pay for Directv. MTV2 is okay, but there's gotta be more music out there. The only other channels I watch are Tech TV, but they're too busy telling me I gotta buy a "Playstation 2," when it's clear the Dreamcast offers so much more. I don't want to line Sony's pockets with more money. I work hard for my money... and guess what? I'm _flat broke_. It doesn't feel good at all to be a college graduate, suffer from this immense depression, work hard but still be _flat broke_.
What woman would want a temp? I'm super funky and brilliant at times, no doubt, but most people don't see that. Just look at the delusional, mainstream world we live in. Republicans, democrats, huge record companies owning everything, a multi-millionaire like Prince saying he's a slave. I'm a slave, motherf*cker! Take my job, life and ,emories and see _how you feel._
What else is on my mind? Oh, constantly buying sugar water and making Coke and Pepsi richer by the day. And buying bottled water. BUYING WATER? Renting an apartment sucks... I have "bad credit" and don't make much money, how the hell will I buy a home? The BANK will own it anyway. I'll be long dead before I actually own it, and long dead before I can use _any_ of my social security money.
My poor mother was straddled with so many bills after my father passed away in 1994, so much so that it tore the entire family apart. I've gotta do something, anything to help her out. I'm getting to the point where I will do _anything_. Because that's not right, and I can't live with myself if it ends like this. But on the other hand, I'm clueless and powerless to do anything about it. Believe me, I've tried, again and again, but I just can't.
Another thing about banks... never ever overdraft on your account... they will report you to place called "Checksystems." Checksystems isn't a credit bureau, but now 99% of banks work with Checksystems... it goes like this... if you overdraft, or have any problems with your checking/savings account, your bank may report you to Checksystems. Say then you close your bank account and try to open a new account at a later time with another bank. If your name is listed ANYWHERE on Checksystems list, the bank will most likely NOT allow you to open _any kind_ of account.
I was listed on Checksystems and didn't even know it, for an error that occurred when I moved... when I tried to open a checking account, I was denied. And when you're denied, it is listed on your Checksystems report, further damaging your Checksystems ratings. And good luck trying to get incorrect items removed... it took my old bank nearly 6 weeks to notify Checksystems and for them to actually _remove the error._ Talk about discriminating against your lower income customers! Most minorities and people with low paying jobs don't even realize this, and they're the _first_ that will be singled out by banks. It makes me sick.
And taxes, God damn taxes. If I could just keep most of what I make, I'd be FINE. I'd have enough to pay all my bills, have a little for savings and a little for fun. A _decent life._ And deep down, that's all I want. That's all anyone wants. A peace of mind and an ability to take care of your things before you leave this wasteland. And if you want any coveage, like medical and dental? Hahaha. They take $36 a week out of my pay for medical and dental.
I need that extra cash, but who knows when you need coverage? Not like they'll pay what they're supposed to anyway. I've gotta go to a certain place for this to be done, another place for that to be done... blah blah blah. I don't pay $36 to be jerked around. If I wanted to be jerked around, I'd stop by 48 Hours video, rent "Now That's Tight Booty," and jerk myself off. One of those good jerks too, like Chris Rock says... not that paranoid "who's there" jerks. $36. For that money, I could have enough for one escort visit a month. Heck, that's better than a THERAPIST.
What therapist is gonna help me? What is he/she going to say or do to make these things go away? Unless the therapist is lonely, confused and feels the same way as I do, nothing will come from the sessions. Except I'll lose more money, money I don't have. Oh, money doesn't buy happiness right? But it sure can make your life a living hell. Tell the bill collectors that money doesn't matter...or tell the woman that i'm trying to pick up that money doesn't matter.
Hell, money and manifestations of power (like fame) is the only thing that really matters. Family dies, friends leave, women lie. Everyday the sun rises and everynight the sun sets. Same old sh*t.
That brings me back full circle to the topic... Taco Bell. I get more love from a lady that works at Taco Bell than I get from mostly anyone. She remembers my face, gives me a smile. It's cool. Of course she's missing about half her teeth, but what the hell?
So who's the slave? Prince, or me? I'm a slave. No doubt. Everyday. It just doesn't matter. I'm curious to hear Prince's "Rainbow Children," but then again, what does it matter? There is no God... these "rules" about men and women having "roles" is so fake... We believe in things like God, to fool ourselves into thinking life doesn't suck, and there's something better hereafter. As much as I want to believe, as much as it would be great to, I just can't. I need to face the fact that when it's over, it's over. I will never see my father again. He's dead. Things will never be the same. Once the remaining members of my family are gone, I will be truly alone.
Unless I procreate and have my own family. Then I'll be gone, too. And time goes on... for the rest. Your time will come. My time will come. Maybe it's better to be like T and lie, get as much p*ssy as you can, be like Urvile and smoke up all day... in the end, does it really matter? We're all controlled anyway. We pay taxes. We work too hard, and enjoy too little. Most people are ruled by manifestations of power, carry around biases, drink sugar water, subscribe to cable or directv, spend more than you make.
What's the point? Why am I writing this? To get a response. To feel... anything. To gain respect, or at least be the subject of a conversation. To impress someone, or make new enemies. All of those reasons. Why do we do anything? All I personally feel, is death, and I know it's coming for me. It's so close. Hell, even if I had a woman here, like my lostlove, or my new love, now former love P, i'd probably just put a fake smile on anyway. I've got way
too much on my mind, and way too little time. So, I'll just finish my Taco Bell, jerk off. listen to Pink Cashmere or Race, and think what a good way would be to end it. There's so much guilt with suicide. People think they could have stopped it, etc.
Angelina Jolie had a good point when she said she was about to hire someone to kill her instead of committing suicide. If a woman like that, who can have anything, would want to die, how do the rest of us have
any hope?
Death is coming. I can feel it. I've felt it for awhile. Some things can't be stopped. Another great Thursday night... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2003|01:46 am] |
Seven years ago my father died.
Life continues to have no meaning... disenfranchised. I miss the days when I was free. |
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| "I don't hate you, I dislike you." |
[Nov. 9th, 2003|12:27 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Henry Gross - Shannon | ] |
My brother said this to me about a year and a half
ago and things haven't been the same since. It's
hard to rationalize how a person just wants to
"do their own thing" yet someone harps on them so
much and then finally admits they "dislike you."
Then, later on, expect you to listen to them or
take their advice. Really strange that a family that
went through so much, as far as death of loved ones
and financial problems, would fall apart and stay
apart. To me, everything I've done, like try and write
scripts for movies, starting businesses on the net,
have been for one reason... to try and make things
better and live the good life. My unwillingness to
"get a real job and stop dreaming" caused a lot
of hate and hostility in this house. When I'm here,
I'm powerless. Kinda like when I first got into
Prince, back in the early 90's, my brother just
didn't get it even though 1) i love a lot of
different music and 2) I tried to explain what
I liked about him (diversity of styles, great song
writing ability, excellent guitar player) but the
only real response I got was being called/looked
at as a fag by his work friends that helped us move
into this house. Not that big a deal but still -
as far as "disliking" your own family member because
they don't believe in working 9 to 5 and intead
want to "make it big" somewhere else is just crazy to
me. I'd think they'd support me for wanting to do
something different. When you're inferior and at
the bottom in so many ways (looks, intelligence,
height, genetics) you've got to be aggressive and
crazy in order to break though. Sadly, break through
has turned into a battle of survival, one in which
there is no magic "let's just love one another button"
that will make things right. Things are broken,
and even when I do finally move into my own place
in five weeks, the broken pieces will not go away -
instead, they'll just be further apart, shattered,
the evil spirits winning again. And I hate to see it,
it tears me up to see what death and despair can do
to people. Maybe it is me. There's really no truth
anymore, just a walking dead man. I'd give anything
for the answers. I know one thing though, God has
nothing to do with this. Someone like Prince can talk
about God all he wants - but damn, he's a talented,
rich musician. Why wouldn't he believe in God, he's
got everything most of us would ever want. You think
the homeless man on the street (that i give $2 to
everyday) believes in God? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2003|01:52 pm] |
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i haven't been online for awhile, due to many personal problems that shouldn't even exist in the first place, but i'm prone to bad luck, and the world is against me, so i shouldn't be surprised. i'll be back soon. |
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